Just a synopsis of the last couple days:

Two mornings ago, my spouse spit in my face as a response to me asking for privacy to go to the bathroom! He was mad about his gutter guy canceling on him last minute, but being the person closest to him I’m the easiest target. This, happened the morning after we had counseling. (Which I felt the session went well overall). Aside, from learning he also has ADHD, and is a narcissist, in addition to his bipolar.

Just so we’re all on the same page:

Bipolar: “A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.The exact cause of bipolar disorder isn’t known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain structure and chemistry may play a role.”

ADHD: “A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness.ADHD often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood. It may contribute to low self-esteem, troubled relationships, and difficulty at school or work.”

Narcissism: “A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.”

With all three of these combined it makes it a challenge to get through daily life without constant challenges.

Yesterday morning I brought our daughter in bed with us around 4 am when she woke up. After going back to sleep for a little bit – around 6:30 am we all woke up and my spouses first thing is to try putting his hand down my pants while our daughter was awake and snuggling on my shoulder! I pushed his hand away because THE AUDACITY when our daughter is laying right in the middle of us, and awake. It’s very inappropriate behavior.

Then after getting out of bed, my spouse began threatening to turn the power to the house off, to discontinue healthcare for our daughter, etc. all while I’m just trying to wash my face and get ready to leave for the photo session I booked that morning.

It appears to me that he is projecting the traumas of his childhood on to me: his mom was an inadequate parent because of her meth use, so the power would go out and My spouse wouldn’t be well cared for due to her drug habit. I’m not a psychologist though – so this is just an observation as he is threatening to do to me and our child, what his mother did to him… He makes $500,000 per year and is threatening to shut off all power, sell the house, and kick me out – it just appears that he is living in a cycle of trauma and trying his hardest to bring our child and I down with him — all the while being in denial about it when I call him out!

After he threatened to turn off all connections to the house — he continued to nit pick at me…

He gave ultimatums and was very accusatory without allowing me a moment to respond to any issue he brought up. He made a point to say he hired an attorney and will be calling them ASAP; he followed this statement by saying he “would give me the year of 2022” and if I don’t “change” he is 100% done with me. I asked what he expects me to change and he criticized me from A.) How much toilet paper I use, to, Z.) How my being “disorganized” is “disgusting” to him – verbatim he said He believes me to be “so disorganized it’s disgusting”… Furthermore, he admitted to lying to me on a regular basis!

ALL this after just last night he said he was interested in reading the 5 love languages with me.. 

I am exhausted. My head is spinning. I have been trying to find a remote job so I can work while being home with our daughter. I have accommodated ALL of his requests to improve my organizational skills to appease his obsession.. Meanwhile, my finances were a part of his point of contention, as if I’m supposed to be able to do EVERYTHING (sorry everyone in the world, but there’s only 24 hours in a day and I’m not going to compromise my personal health just to appease a demanding spouse with unrealistic and unreasonable expectations)… Anyways, I asked why he didn’t share all of this Thursday when it was brought up during counseling; however, instead of responding, he skipped right on to the next problem he has with me and how “easily” he can replace me. That he can “make one phone call” and pay a nanny $1500 per week and that he “would expect me to split” the cost with him. I told him there’s no way! At most I could split $400 a week (I can afford $200 a week) and he Expects me to just magically make enough to pay $650 per week to someone to do half as good a job as I do caring for our child?! (I say this because I am MOM, I’m sure there are some awesome nanny’s out there – but, I don’t believe ANYONE on the planet could possibly care about, or take care of, my child as deeply and as lovingly as I do. It’s a mom thing for me, i take pride in my personal responsibility to my child as I brought her in to this world)..

Back to it..

First of all, why offer to pay someone else that kind of money when I am doing everything already? Second, If I’m lucky I’ll find something that pays just that – $650 per week, and then what?! I pay someone else that entire amount to care for our daughter?? Why would i go to work just to pay them my entire paycheck to do what i already do in Caring for, and raising, my child?! Furthermore, if i work for that kind of money I would use that to pay for my debt which my spouse has also expressed that he has a serious problem with?! If he is willing to pay a stranger $1500 per week, WHY is he so adamant about NOT helping me financially – I am the person he shares a life with, I raise our child; and, according to a new study:

“All parents have demanding jobs, and it isn’t fair to assume someone who stays home doesn’t do anything. Staying home means raising humans to become functioning members of society, a job that doesn’t allow for many mistakes. There’s no job more real than one that prepares kids to interact with the world around them. While there are many reasons that a stay-at-home mom has the hardest job, it is still a blessing. Studies show that kids who have a parent at home do better in school, behave better, and experience less stress. These children also exhibited less aggression than kids who go to childcare.”

But this isn’t something my spouse sees, understands or accepts! I just can’t win – Im at a total loss. I don’t know how the heck I’m supposed to articulate to him that he has unrealistic expectations – and that consistent well paying positions, and quality care that we can afford, don’t happen over night!!

He isn’t living in reality! I believe his bipolar, ADHD, and narcissism are blinding him from seeing any situation outside of himself!! With our couples counseling it’s like one step forward- ten steps back. I’m in distress living in this relationship; I don’t know how to stay on top of accommodating ALL his expectations and his mental illness mood swings, while doing well to care for our daughter and stay on top of the business I run as is.

I will say I am absolutely thankful for our counselor. He is doing his best to help guide me through this difficult road and understanding what my spouses mental health illnesses mean for me and our family. I pray for mercy and grace and help in this life because this is all very difficult to deal with. My goal is just to do my best to stay as healthy and consistent for our daughter as possible so that SHE grows in to the best version of herself. 💛

What are YOUR thoughts? Feel free to comment below. What would YOU do if you were in my shoes?

“Each human being deals with hurt or resentment in a unique way. When you feel insulted or bullied, you may reach for a chocolate bar. In the same circumstance, I might burst into tears. Another person may put his or her feelings quickly into words, confronting the mistreatment directly. Although our feelings can influence how we wish to act, our choices of how to behave are ultimately determined more by our attitudes and our habits. We respond to our emotional wounds based on what we believe about ourselves, how we think about the person who has hurt us, and how we perceive the world.” – Lundy Bancroft

The emotional abuse I endure from my bipolar partner is debilitating for me. I have no idea what to expect from my spouse – it’s like walking on egg shells. He treats me poorly out of spite alone. He has told me this – words from his own mouth. I, in turn, have nightmares, and feel the fear creep in, and the ambitions and hope I once lived by being pushed out. He says things to me like, “fuck your feelings”, “fuck around find out”, “promise me you won’t call the cops on me”, “I will replace you easily”, and so much more….

I’m afraid of what our fizzling relationship means for the well-being and future of my daughter. It’s a fact that I am the emotionally balanced one who is best to raise our daughter with consistent emotional, mental, and spiritual support. But, my spouse is the one with the financial stability to provide a comfortable living environment. In a perfect world we are great for each other because we each offer what the other lacks, alas, we live in a fallen world……

How do I work though the trauma I have been living with from my spouse, how do I create a healthy living environment without disrupting my daughters life?

Before our Christmas blow out – I was feeling confident as, truly, we have a good life! I take care of our daughter, and run my own business on the side; and, my spouse physically goes in to work everyday to run his business, which I fully support. But, my spouse keeps demanding that I change as a person. I ask what it is he expects me to change and he has yet to provide me with a clear answer. He just… wants something/someone different. He just wants me gone. What do I do with this information?

For me, when I became pregnant, it was a time for us to grow together as a family; for him, and he has said this out loud to me, he was done with us. So why stick around pretending having a family is what he wanted?? And now I’m here, stuck in a rut with a person who basically hates me. do I want to stay with a person who hates me? Absolutely not.

But what are my options?

I’m 35 with a 1.5 year old. I don’t come from a ton of money – and I make barely enough to pay for my last failed business venture (I opened a gym just before Covid was a thing – ended up having to close shop because of Covid after spending $20,000 to build the business)… so now what? I’m building a wedding photography business which is going very well – but – it’s only a weekend thing as I raise my little during the week. So, what am I supposed to do? I can’t afford child care, I can’t afford a place for us to move in to, I’ve looked in to single mom programs but I’m not technically a single mom at the moment, so what now?! Seriously though.

I’m frozen in fear as I never know what to expect from my psychotic spouse. I do believe that a bipolar person still has the ability to be kind – but the trauma my spouse endured growing up has completely disabled this ability within him. He prides himself on being cruel. Which is something I wish he would have shown before we got pregnant. (To clarify, my daughter is the BEST thing I have done in my entire life; which is why I’m already heartbroken over the life she will have with my spouse as her father). When my spouse and I first got together he was generous and supported my ambitions, I was upfront about all of my flaws as I literally have nothing to gain in hiding who i am or the debt I’ve accumulated, yet; all of these things about me are now a problem to him… I feel absolutely deceived. I was “perfect” enough for him to pursue pre-baby. But now that I am a mom and my priorities have changed in order to BE MOM – ‘I’m the bad guy’???

Seriously! What the hell do I do now? I’ve talked to those closest to me, and although they listen well, no one has an answer for me. Next step? What are my options? Continue living in this verbally abusive relationship hoping that our once per week counseling sessions change our dynamic and lives for the better?? I literally feel like my head may explode! I’ve had family say, “you need to physically watch your spouse take his meds to ensure he isn’t lying to you and is actually taking it”. Soooo instead of enjoying being a partner and wife, I’m supposed to be his MOTHER now??? And what about my needs?! I’m dying on the inside but everyone’s eyes are still soley on my spouse because of his terrible childhood… I’m sorry but his terrible childhood doesn’t excuse his poor treatment of ME today! Right?????? Why should he get a free pass at MY expense?????

UHG.

Poor in spirit, hope, finances, and QUALITY ASSISTANCE….

Comment below if you can relate, or have ANY ideas of what a good next step is as my brain is frozen in fear of the uncertainty today…

“Scientists believe that bipolar disorder is the result of a complicated relationship between genetic and environmental factors. Research suggests that a person is born with a “vulnerability” to bipolar illness, which means that they are more prone to developing the disorder” (Author: Mood Disorders Association of BC).

The question always is, is a person born with this or is it triggered? In this case it’s both. The susceptibility is there but a persons environment can absolutely trigger the onset of bipolar. In my spouses case – his environment triggered, and enabled, the bipolar.

My spouse had an incredibly difficult childhood. His mom was (and still is) a meth addict. He doesn’t know who his father is – his mom said it was this man who we have seen pan-handling downtown Denver as a dirty homeless guy. But there is zero association.

Because his mom hasn’t been able to maintain steady employment due to her addiction – my spouse was in and out of foster care. However, when he was with his mom he endured severe neglect, he witnessed violence and drug use, he was a pawn in her corrupt lifestyle. This absolutely triggered his bipolar. And, living in such a chaotic household only reinforced the ups and downs in mood. As if it were normal…

The calls and texts messages he receives from her now, as an adult, consist of paranoid babbling’s. This is a trigger for him. It takes a few days to work through the roller coaster of emotion after he hears from her. He becomes cold and distant to me. He even projects experiences he has had with her on me!

A few weeks before Christmas 2021, I received a random text from him. He was angry, saying I had attempted to drive drunk with our child in the car. “What the hell are you talking about?! I have NEVER, and will never, drive intoxicated with our child!!” I replied. He didn’t say anything in return. Just radio silence.

A couple weeks later, we were in MT with his adoptive family. My spouse and I got in to it so I shut myself in our room with out little so I could have a mental break from him. His adoptive sister knocked on the door and came in to speak to me.

After a few minutes she shared a situation she observed when my spouse was only 10-years-old; she was about 22 at the time. She said, his mom was high and wasted trying to drive away with my spouse. An argument ensued between his mother and his adoptive family. My spouse was in tears, he was too young to understand his mom wasn’t in the right head space to drive, and his adoptive family was fighting to keep him at the house: safe. It was chaos.

When I heard this story, it clicked that he had been projecting a couple weeks previous. He was projecting on me – a traumatizing situation that he experienced with his own mother. It was insane! And, also an eye opening moment for me..

I immediately decided that we needed to go through counseling together if we are going to get through these psychotic moments. I understand that his bipolar and trauma from his childhood is next level; but at what expense to ME. I had a VERY different upbringing. My parents are still married, raised me in a very average environment, of love, support, and with Christian values. So, experiencing my spouses mental illness, and projections of previous trauma, is actually quite traumatizing for ME!

So, between my commitment to our relationship based on the values i was raised with, and commitment towards creating a healthy and consistent-balanced home life, counseling seems to be my primary option, if my spouse and I are going to be OK enough to raise our child in as steady environment as possible. As I shared in my last blog, our first session was just last week. Lord willing it will help us both navigate our relationship that is already on edge due to my spouse’s upbringing and bipolar.

What are YOUR thoughts? What was YOUR, your partners, your spouse’s, etc., experience as a child? What are the solutions you are creating to make sure your life moves forward in health, balance, and wellness? Comment below! 👇🏻

“There is no clinical proof that bipolar disorder increases the frequency of lying, although people with the disorder, and their families, often report this tendency. If true, such a tendency may stem from features of mania such as: memory disturbances. rapid speech and thinking… Exaggeration and embellishment make a story more interesting, especially during mania, when the senses are heightened.” (Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD — Written by Brandon May on December 5, 2018).

Luckily, my spouse has agreed to begin couples counseling with me so we can work through all of his ups and downs; and all of my emotions as a reaction to his bipolar. Even though, he would never admit to it, his bipolar is the main source of our contention.

Alas, we began our sessions this last week. It was a seemingly good start (aside from the little lies he was telling throughout our session). Our counselor asked us to share a positive affirmation to focus on the good of one another. Although, 50% of what my partner said was true, he made up little things as well. “She makes me coffee every morning” “she has been helping by taking out the trash from the bin”. Neither of these things are true, even though I have offered to do them. He declines my help with those specific items.

So, why would he say those are things I do? And that he appreciates me for doing them?

I won’t complain too much as I would much rather have him tell little stories that make me look good; because, on the flip side, he has told lies that make me look awful as well.

We went to Montana to visit his adoptive family for Christmas. Tensions were rising as it was clear he had no interest in having my back over a few weird situations that occurred. For example, I was playing with my daughter, we have this hide and go seek game.. Long story short – I jumped out, (even though my kiddo knew where I was), and the host families dog lunged at me teeth out and barking. The male of the house came in the room and was like, “my dog will literally attack you!”, his wife immediately followed up with, “Our dog protects those who can’t; our dog protects the vulnerable!” … so I was like, okaaayyy, your justifying your dog almost attacking me because she’s protective?? I’m my child’s MOTHER…. I just won’t play with my daughter in your home I guess.. 🤷🏻‍♀️
So, instead of moving their dog to another room, or apologizing for their dogs misbehavior: in-home, towards a guest — like a normal person — they made me feel like I was the problem.. Like ‘how dare I play with my own child’… And my spouse didn’t even have my back! Like, okay, you’re cool with your adoptive family prioritizing their dog over your spouses safety??? UNREAL. If this situation would have occurred in our home, we would have immediately kenneled the dog, and apologized to the family member!

I share this because I’m not sure if this moment was actually a trigger for my spouse – I’m still trying to figure that out. But, when we got back home to Colorado from Montana my spouse began creating a negative narrative about me.

I overheard him speaking with one of his adoptive family members from Montana, with whom we just stayed… His claim was that I have an issue with alcohol. His family member replied that he should “hide all the alcohol in the house from me then”. (I’m 35-years-old mind you, and only enjoy a couple glasses of wine with dinner – twice a month, MAYBE. It is incredibly rare that i indulge more than that). He then replied to his family member, “none of the alcohol in the house is mine, it’s all hers”.

So, what did I do? I proceeded to dump all the alcohol in our home. I was perfectly sober when we started dating, I only started drinking again socially with him during our relationship. With this said, I have no issues not drinking alcohol; I wasn’t drinking when we met – I can surely stop drinking the booze now. So, all the booze are down the drain so we both can be sober. Easy peasy.

However, after I dumped all the alcohol in the house, my spouse’s reaction was that of anger, “I can’t believe you dumped everything! That was over $1,000 worth of alcohol”. He said this verbatim, I kid you not. So I replied with, “I vaguely recall you stating that ‘all the alcohol in this house is mine’, so, if that’s true, I can do whatever I want with it, and I choose to dump it. We should be focused on creating a healthier environment for our child anyways, no?”

[Also, can we take a moment to say, HUH?! Why on earth did he spend $1,000 on alcohol?! It’s just the two of us and our one-year-old living together. Speaking of purchasing alcohol, and proving who the drinker in this relationship is, I say – check the bank statements – if anyone will look like an alcoholic it will be him for spending that kind of money on booze! My mind is blown, you guys…]

Anyways, he seemed surprised that I knew he was lying about me. He didn’t have a response to my response, and hasn’t brought it up again. Yet, these delusions, these little lies he is creating is just another part of his bipolar. And this is just one example of the many lies i have dealt with, with him. Did I handle that situation in an ideal manner? I have no idea! But I will say, my priority is the care and safety of my child, so, if my spouse is attempting to create some imaginary story of me to make himself look better and to make me look like someone i am not; then yes, I will throw away all the stuff I need to in order to continue living as healthily, and as honestly, as I possibley can.

Navigating a relationship is absolutely a challenge; throw bipolar in the mix and it is next level excruciating. All the people I have spoken with have encouraged me to “stay positive”, “be prepared with a back up plan”, etc. But those things are easier said than done. It is an absolute challenge to stay on track within my day to day life when I have a spouse who lives on a roller coaster and, therefore, makes my head spin!

What are your thoughts? Can you relate it? What’s your back up plan on your relationship with your bipolar spouse/partner? What techniques do YOU use to bring out the best in your bipolar partner? Comment below 👇🏻

I met my spouse when i was working at a gym. i was in the prime of my life basically. Feeling good, looking good, you get the gist. With that said – my thought process was that of “the attractor factor”; i was putting out positivity, health, sobriety. i was a personal trainer and life coach helping others reach their goals and increase the positivity in their lives. So, naturally i believed that what i was putting out in the universe i would be getting back. ie: a healthy relationship.

I was running on the treadmill when he approached. It was my warmup before teaching les mills body pump. He jumped on the treadmill next to me and began small talking. We had been eyeing each-other at the gym for about 5 months but never really spoke in depth. But this day was different. He looked really good, strong and healthy; confident. His energy was that of an alpha-male, which was attractive to me. He asked for my phone number, so i agreed to share it with him. That was the start of our relationship.

Our first real date was valentines day. He took me to a quaint little restaurant on the water (a lake in the mountains of Colorado). This restaurant placed little stones on every table; the story is, that penguins present a stone to their life partner as a show of commitment. As it was, at the end of our date he asked me to open my hand. He placed the stone that was on our table in my palm, then leaned in to kiss me (which i embraced). From that day on i was smitten. We had chemistry, and, based on our conversations throughout our evening, he seemed to be exactly what i was looking for: a strong male with leadership qualities, the ability to communicate, a person who cared about physical, mental, and spiritual health.. Someone who presented himself as a person who would have my back.

Over the following weeks we learned a lot about one another; namely, and the purpose of my share within this blog, is that he has bipolar.

I gracefully, and naïvely, accepted this on his word that he was taking his medication regularly and had been going to Counseling consistently. I wasn’t in ”the know” of what bipolar entailed. I simply moved forward on the basis of my religious upbringing of compassion, and unconditional love, as well as my falling in love with him and who he was in that moment of time…

Flash forward 4 years:

i wake up to my spouse crashing through his closet. He is making so much noise it wakes up our 1-year-old. I go in the room to get her, only to be greeted by my spouse in a bout of random rage. i ask what is going on and if he is okay. The response i get isn’t a new one; although, by this point i am feeling exhausted, and worthless in his eyes. He proceeds to yell at me over my finances. He doesn’t understand why, even though i am our child’s primary care taker, I don’t make the same amount of money as he does. I tell him, again (as this is not the first time we have spoken about this), that i am doing my best between caring for our child and running my own business. He proceeds to call me lazy, and selfish. The only perspective he see’s is his own… All the while he is yelling inches from my face while i hold our crying child. For some reason, he doesn’t seem to notice, or care, that he is frightening her. He leaves angrily. i take a few deep breathes and soothe and comfort our child…

8 hours later – he pulls in the driveway. Once he is inside, i ask how his day went. He proceeds to share with enthusiasm as if his morning blowup never even happened. No apology. Nothing. It seems to be a habit of his ever since we became even more serious together and had a child.
He has said many things without remorse, and what seems to be from thin air: ”fuck your feelings”, “fuck around find out”, etc… all very deeply wounding things. More recently, a refusal to go to couples counseling, followed by a change of heart and outward justification as to why we should go – as if it was his brilliant idea and not mine. Up and down, back and forth, yes and no. Yet, this is just a micro glimpse of what a roller coaster he can be. He switches on a dime – its like living with dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He hates me one moment, and loves me – and being around me – the next…

I chose to begin writing this blog in hopes there are others out there who can relate; i also am hoping to find solace in sharing my story in the days, weeks, months, to come. if there is anything i have learned in my 4 year walk with my bipolar spouse – it is that i need support if I’m going to continue supporting my spouse: my spouse, who has made my home as comfortable as walking on eggshells due to his mental illness. Does he deserve love and understanding? ABSOLUTELY. But so do I! My feelings and needs are just as important as his. And this needs to be known and said.

if you are in a relationship with, or are related to, a person with bipolar; i implore you to have courage and share your experience in the comment section below. Also share what you believe helps keep a positive connection between you and this person. ❤️