“There is no clinical proof that bipolar disorder increases the frequency of lying, although people with the disorder, and their families, often report this tendency. If true, such a tendency may stem from features of mania such as: memory disturbances. rapid speech and thinking… Exaggeration and embellishment make a story more interesting, especially during mania, when the senses are heightened.” (Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD — Written by Brandon May on December 5, 2018).
Luckily, my spouse has agreed to begin couples counseling with me so we can work through all of his ups and downs; and all of my emotions as a reaction to his bipolar. Even though, he would never admit to it, his bipolar is the main source of our contention.
Alas, we began our sessions this last week. It was a seemingly good start (aside from the little lies he was telling throughout our session). Our counselor asked us to share a positive affirmation to focus on the good of one another. Although, 50% of what my partner said was true, he made up little things as well. “She makes me coffee every morning” “she has been helping by taking out the trash from the bin”. Neither of these things are true, even though I have offered to do them. He declines my help with those specific items.
So, why would he say those are things I do? And that he appreciates me for doing them?
I won’t complain too much as I would much rather have him tell little stories that make me look good; because, on the flip side, he has told lies that make me look awful as well.
We went to Montana to visit his adoptive family for Christmas. Tensions were rising as it was clear he had no interest in having my back over a few weird situations that occurred. For example, I was playing with my daughter, we have this hide and go seek game.. Long story short – I jumped out, (even though my kiddo knew where I was), and the host families dog lunged at me teeth out and barking. The male of the house came in the room and was like, “my dog will literally attack you!”, his wife immediately followed up with, “Our dog protects those who can’t; our dog protects the vulnerable!” … so I was like, okaaayyy, your justifying your dog almost attacking me because she’s protective?? I’m my child’s MOTHER…. I just won’t play with my daughter in your home I guess.. 🤷🏻♀️
So, instead of moving their dog to another room, or apologizing for their dogs misbehavior: in-home, towards a guest — like a normal person — they made me feel like I was the problem.. Like ‘how dare I play with my own child’… And my spouse didn’t even have my back! Like, okay, you’re cool with your adoptive family prioritizing their dog over your spouses safety??? UNREAL. If this situation would have occurred in our home, we would have immediately kenneled the dog, and apologized to the family member!
I share this because I’m not sure if this moment was actually a trigger for my spouse – I’m still trying to figure that out. But, when we got back home to Colorado from Montana my spouse began creating a negative narrative about me.
I overheard him speaking with one of his adoptive family members from Montana, with whom we just stayed… His claim was that I have an issue with alcohol. His family member replied that he should “hide all the alcohol in the house from me then”. (I’m 35-years-old mind you, and only enjoy a couple glasses of wine with dinner – twice a month, MAYBE. It is incredibly rare that i indulge more than that). He then replied to his family member, “none of the alcohol in the house is mine, it’s all hers”.
So, what did I do? I proceeded to dump all the alcohol in our home. I was perfectly sober when we started dating, I only started drinking again socially with him during our relationship. With this said, I have no issues not drinking alcohol; I wasn’t drinking when we met – I can surely stop drinking the booze now. So, all the booze are down the drain so we both can be sober. Easy peasy.
However, after I dumped all the alcohol in the house, my spouse’s reaction was that of anger, “I can’t believe you dumped everything! That was over $1,000 worth of alcohol”. He said this verbatim, I kid you not. So I replied with, “I vaguely recall you stating that ‘all the alcohol in this house is mine’, so, if that’s true, I can do whatever I want with it, and I choose to dump it. We should be focused on creating a healthier environment for our child anyways, no?”
[Also, can we take a moment to say, HUH?! Why on earth did he spend $1,000 on alcohol?! It’s just the two of us and our one-year-old living together. Speaking of purchasing alcohol, and proving who the drinker in this relationship is, I say – check the bank statements – if anyone will look like an alcoholic it will be him for spending that kind of money on booze! My mind is blown, you guys…]
Anyways, he seemed surprised that I knew he was lying about me. He didn’t have a response to my response, and hasn’t brought it up again. Yet, these delusions, these little lies he is creating is just another part of his bipolar. And this is just one example of the many lies i have dealt with, with him. Did I handle that situation in an ideal manner? I have no idea! But I will say, my priority is the care and safety of my child, so, if my spouse is attempting to create some imaginary story of me to make himself look better and to make me look like someone i am not; then yes, I will throw away all the stuff I need to in order to continue living as healthily, and as honestly, as I possibley can.
Navigating a relationship is absolutely a challenge; throw bipolar in the mix and it is next level excruciating. All the people I have spoken with have encouraged me to “stay positive”, “be prepared with a back up plan”, etc. But those things are easier said than done. It is an absolute challenge to stay on track within my day to day life when I have a spouse who lives on a roller coaster and, therefore, makes my head spin!
What are your thoughts? Can you relate it? What’s your back up plan on your relationship with your bipolar spouse/partner? What techniques do YOU use to bring out the best in your bipolar partner? Comment below 👇🏻
Bipolar Relationship Support 