I met my spouse when i was working at a gym. i was in the prime of my life basically. Feeling good, looking good, you get the gist. With that said – my thought process was that of “the attractor factor”; i was putting out positivity, health, sobriety. i was a personal trainer and life coach helping others reach their goals and increase the positivity in their lives. So, naturally i believed that what i was putting out in the universe i would be getting back. ie: a healthy relationship.
I was running on the treadmill when he approached. It was my warmup before teaching les mills body pump. He jumped on the treadmill next to me and began small talking. We had been eyeing each-other at the gym for about 5 months but never really spoke in depth. But this day was different. He looked really good, strong and healthy; confident. His energy was that of an alpha-male, which was attractive to me. He asked for my phone number, so i agreed to share it with him. That was the start of our relationship.
Our first real date was valentines day. He took me to a quaint little restaurant on the water (a lake in the mountains of Colorado). This restaurant placed little stones on every table; the story is, that penguins present a stone to their life partner as a show of commitment. As it was, at the end of our date he asked me to open my hand. He placed the stone that was on our table in my palm, then leaned in to kiss me (which i embraced). From that day on i was smitten. We had chemistry, and, based on our conversations throughout our evening, he seemed to be exactly what i was looking for: a strong male with leadership qualities, the ability to communicate, a person who cared about physical, mental, and spiritual health.. Someone who presented himself as a person who would have my back.
Over the following weeks we learned a lot about one another; namely, and the purpose of my share within this blog, is that he has bipolar.
I gracefully, and naïvely, accepted this on his word that he was taking his medication regularly and had been going to Counseling consistently. I wasn’t in ”the know” of what bipolar entailed. I simply moved forward on the basis of my religious upbringing of compassion, and unconditional love, as well as my falling in love with him and who he was in that moment of time…
Flash forward 4 years:
i wake up to my spouse crashing through his closet. He is making so much noise it wakes up our 1-year-old. I go in the room to get her, only to be greeted by my spouse in a bout of random rage. i ask what is going on and if he is okay. The response i get isn’t a new one; although, by this point i am feeling exhausted, and worthless in his eyes. He proceeds to yell at me over my finances. He doesn’t understand why, even though i am our child’s primary care taker, I don’t make the same amount of money as he does. I tell him, again (as this is not the first time we have spoken about this), that i am doing my best between caring for our child and running my own business. He proceeds to call me lazy, and selfish. The only perspective he see’s is his own… All the while he is yelling inches from my face while i hold our crying child. For some reason, he doesn’t seem to notice, or care, that he is frightening her. He leaves angrily. i take a few deep breathes and soothe and comfort our child…
8 hours later – he pulls in the driveway. Once he is inside, i ask how his day went. He proceeds to share with enthusiasm as if his morning blowup never even happened. No apology. Nothing. It seems to be a habit of his ever since we became even more serious together and had a child.
He has said many things without remorse, and what seems to be from thin air: ”fuck your feelings”, “fuck around find out”, etc… all very deeply wounding things. More recently, a refusal to go to couples counseling, followed by a change of heart and outward justification as to why we should go – as if it was his brilliant idea and not mine. Up and down, back and forth, yes and no. Yet, this is just a micro glimpse of what a roller coaster he can be. He switches on a dime – its like living with dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He hates me one moment, and loves me – and being around me – the next…
I chose to begin writing this blog in hopes there are others out there who can relate; i also am hoping to find solace in sharing my story in the days, weeks, months, to come. if there is anything i have learned in my 4 year walk with my bipolar spouse – it is that i need support if I’m going to continue supporting my spouse: my spouse, who has made my home as comfortable as walking on eggshells due to his mental illness. Does he deserve love and understanding? ABSOLUTELY. But so do I! My feelings and needs are just as important as his. And this needs to be known and said.
if you are in a relationship with, or are related to, a person with bipolar; i implore you to have courage and share your experience in the comment section below. Also share what you believe helps keep a positive connection between you and this person. ❤️
Bipolar Relationship Support 